An Exchange with the Easter Bunny – Crookston Times
beyond reason by Rob Perez:
Early one morning, Rob and the Easter Bunny met in a sunny, dewy meadow. The bunny had a basket of Easter eggs by his side.
ROB: I know it’s your busy season, so thanks for taking the time.
EASTER BUNNY: always happy to spread the word.
A: So maybe we can start at the beginning. Where do you come from?
EB: New Jersey.
EB: No. Originally, my Easter hare family comes from Germany.
A: And what is the difference between a hare and a rabbit?
EB: Well, rabbits are considered superior in every way.
A: Hmm. Is it a consensus?
EB: In my family, yes. A: Does everyone in your family participate in the Easter game?
EB: Oh no. Some are in landscaping. Some like magic, pull out hats and that kind of thing. A few work in petting zoos. And some… well, we don’t talk too much about it, but some prefer a life to a crime.
EB: Unfortunately, yes. I don’t want to name names but he came from a good family. And despite all the advantages in the world, he would steal carrots.
A: Oh. Is it a crime?
EB: For Peter? No. It’s a game. It’s a thrill seeker. But tell that to the farmer. He doesn’t joke about root vegetables.
A: Fair enough. What made you decide to go for Easter?
EB: I like the schedules. Spring suits me very well. This is me at my best.
A: Great. Let’s talk about eggs.
EB: Let’s talk about eggs.
A: (referring to notes) I mean, rabbits, although known for their breeding habits, don’t breed with eggs, do they?
EB: No, they don’t.
A: (referring to the Easter basket) So whose eggs are these?
EB: Well, the tough guys I get at the market. The plastic ones from the Dollar Store. Cascarones you can find in any Mexican supermarket.
A: So why a bunny…I’m sorry, are you a bunny or a bunny?
EB: Both. People often confuse the words, but “rabbit” is just a term of endearment, not a scientific classification. It’s not like “puppy”. So “rabbit rabbit” is fine.
A: I see. So why is a rabbit distributing eggs?
EB: Some say the Easter Bunny is a symbol of fertility or spring. Others say the Easter egg symbolizes the empty tomb of Jesus.
A: But baby bunnies don’t come from eggs, and the eggs you give contain candy, money, confetti, or whatever. They are not empty.
EB: Listen, you didn’t hear it from me but… (looks around) I think the Easter Bunny, the symbol, is kind of a mixed metaphor.
A: Hmm. Speaking of… are you affiliated with the church?
EB: Not officially, no. That’s why it’s a bit tricky. I mean, they know I’m here. I know they are there. But the Venn diagram of the two of us would look like two separate eggs.
A: I think a Venn diagram is a circle.
EB: I don’t think so. Anyway, if there is an overlap in the eggs, it would be tiny.
A: (referring to notes) And something else. You’re a bunny which means, I guess, you poof?
EB: Did you discover it on your own?
A: Well, how does it work… you know, hopping around with a basket of eggs?
EB: I can tell you that it takes practice. You want a good basket. Something with a small gift. And you know that filler in the basket?
A: That fake grass thing?
EB: Exactly. A good thick bed of this stuff helps. But, truth be told, not all eggs do this.
A: Do you think a non-jumping creature would have made more sense with a basket of eggs?
EB: You are a difficult interview.
A: Because I think if I was holding a basket of eggs, I mean the last thing I would do is hope.
EB: Can we continue?
A: A follow-up on the eggs…
EB: You’re like a broken record.
A: I guess you want the kids to have them?
EB: Yes, indeed.
A: Then why are you hiding them?
EB: Why do children play hide and seek? Because it’s funny.
A: Good. But there are always a few eggs that are never found until you crush them with a lawn mower. Is it fun?
A: For whom?
EB: For me.
A: Hmm. Let’s move on. How the eggs–
EB: It’s like a fixation with you.
A: There’s Peeps and Cadbury stuff and jellybeans and the list goes on… How did eggs evolve into candy?
EB: Do you have anything against Peeps?
A: I have something against giving kids stupid amounts of sugar all the time.
EB: Because I was just chilling with my Peeps.
A: Is it a “no comment”?
EB: Are you invited to many parties?
A: I don’t know.
EB: Look, man. I don’t work for candy companies. But it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out that when kids are involved, these guys are going to throw what they’ve got at the situation and see what sticks.
A: You don’t get a bribe on candy?
EB: I get free products, that’s all. But how many Peeps can a rabbit eat?
A: I don’t know. How many?
EB: My question was rhetorical.
A: Mine was not.
EB: How many Peeps am I eating? A year? A. Well, more like three quarters of one. I like the idea of Peeps. I mean, these are beautiful candies. And if you air them out for a day or two, but not too long or they get stale, they can hit the mark. But I never ate more than one. Never. They are too sweet for me. To be honest, I’m not into any of the sweets. If there was an Easter radish! Or an Easter carrot! Doesn’t that sound good?
A: Well, that would definitely make a lot more sense than an Easter egg. But I’m not sure my kids would feel the same way. (then) Look, I’m sorry if I’m coming in hot. My readers want the impactful article.
EB: They want a punchy piece…about the Easter Bunny?
A: They are a bloodthirsty bunch.
EB: I guess so. Do they want to hear about pastels?
A: Uh… no thank you. Look, we can wrap it up. The big day is approaching. I wish you the best.
EB: Thank you. A: How are you going to spend the off-season?
EB: I will travel.
A: Oh yeah? Where to go ?
EB: Easter Island.
A: Travel safely.